Monday, 29 July 2013

Some thoughts

A lot has been going through my head. So much that I am unable to figure out where one thought ends and the other begins. The only way I can get them to appear even slightly coherent is if I try to write it down.So here’s me typing each and every word that comes into my mind. I do not want to think ahead about what I am writing. i want it to be a catharsis; complete. I do not want to stop to correct any errors or typos, because this is just my thoughts flowing out, so it is bound to stumble and change directions.. .Any stream would do that, and so will this.

Why did I want to write? Because I was feeling a little low. My ramadan hasn’t been going the way I planned it to, and now that there’s only 10 days left I am filled with this intense regret and inexplicable grief at what I’ve allowed to take place. I let myself slack, I let myself slow down, I let myself procrastinate. All when I knew this might be the last time I get to witness this blessed month. I feel hypocritical. Am I portraying one image and living another life? I don’t want that to happen because Allah says that hypocrites are the worst of the people. So I find myself coming back, again and again, to the same question- “who am I doing it for?” Do my actions and intentions overlap? Did I do this to please Allah or to feed my ego?

And frankly, it is terrifying.

The last 10 days of Ramadan, the most blessed days one can experience, have come upon us and I am here thinking am I even in right frame. Did I even start the car in the first place, before embarking on this spiritual journey?
It is quite depressing and writing about it makes me feel even worse. But I am doing it anyway because there might be others like me who feel they haven’t done enough (Or anything, actually Sad smile). This post is to pull me, and you out, of this rut. Yes, we are stuck. And yes it’s horrible. But do we just sit around and mope about it? No.

1/3rd of Ramadan is still with us. And, all praise be to Allah, it’s still not too late.

Allah is the most merciful. He forgives and he loves to forgive! So this is the chance to shake off the dust that we managed to bury our soul under and polish our Eeman. Let’s be proactive and not let a single precious second escape without it being used to wipe away our sins or earn us more reward.
The gates of heaven are open and beckoning us. It’s waiting for us to make that one du’a, to shed that one tear of repentance, to give that one note in charity.  Are we ready to go back to Allah? I am. In shaa Allah.

So my du’a for the next 10 days-
Allahumma innaka ‘afuwwun tuhibbul ‘afwa fa’fu ‘annee
( “O Allah You are The One Who pardons greatly, and loves to pardon, so pardon me.”)

1 comment:

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