Monday, 7 December 2015

10 Reasons I love flying (Not)

List of things I enjoy about flying, airports, and travelling in general, in no particular order.
1)The hair bun squeezes over my hijab, when travelling to Europe/UK. Sorry folks, I am gonna disappoint you. I am too lazy to comb my hair while traveling, let alone fit a bomb in there. 
2) Passport control. I am probably the most innocent person you know.I have no criminal record, no run-ins with the law. But I still get nervous af when I am nearing the exit/entry counter. Seriously wtf, face? Why you start sweating and looking suspicious for no reason at all? I even start worrying that my finger prints won't match. Like how's that even possible?!
Same at customs. Even if the only thing dangerous in my bag is the tweezers for my chin hair (I'm desi. Deal with it.) To make it worse I just need to whistle and look everywhere but their face. Maybe in the next trip. 
3) My weakness for railway/airport beverages. It's common knowledge that Indian trains serve the worst, most watery and sugary coffee ever. But I will still drink the shit out of it. I am twisted like that. Same with airports, many a moments have passed where I have wondered, standing in some random airport, in some corner of the world, wtf is wrong with me. Why am I standing here with overpriced toilet water in my hand?
4) ‪#‎PeeingWhileHijabiInAnAeroplaneToilet‬. Why isn't this trending yet? I am not talking about just a scarf and jeans. That's cute. I am talking about long skirts, loose tops, abayas and the like. If you wonder why hijabis take so long in the toilets, it's because -
A) she's removing layers of her clothing. Like literally peeling stuff off different parts of her body. The socks, jacket, cardigan, scarf, under never ends. We are like the human version of Mary Poppins' hand bag. 
B) She is warring with herself. Using the flight toilet as a regular person is a chore. So you can imagine how it is when having to hold up a hundred different clothing articles at the same time. It gets better when there is turbulence. Oh so much fun. You should never have to use your chin, elbows, and ankles in the toilet cry emoticon
5) Random uncles reading my book over my shoulder. So this happened very recently. I am flying back to India and this uncle was really keen to strike a conversation with me. I am like chill uncle I just want to read my book in peace. And I am reading my book, now halfway into the story, with the reading light on and soon realize that this guy is reading over my shoulder. I dont understand, uncle. This is not a newspaper. What will you even understand if you start reading from the middle? Here take the book and read till page 167 and let's read together from there on. Are you happy now? Or do you want me to read to you?
6) Leftovers in my hijab folds. Nothing worse than eating a sandwich in the flight and not realizing you have bread crumbs nestled into your hijab. Try looking elegant when you realize and try to shake it off discreetly. "Sorry, my hijab sheds a lot..."
7) People who want to jump out of the flight before it even lands. Aunty, you need to to chill and keep your seat belt on. Don't you see the bright sign which says seat belt on? What could you possible do with the two mins you save this way? Drink the horrible airport coffee? 
8) Air hostesses who talk to you like you are five. What's wrong if I want to keep my earphones and blankey?
9)sitting near the exit. Nooooo. In case of an emergency, I am not prepared for this level of responsibility. Please..not me...I can't possibly twist that lever and NOT turn it the other way round. You don't want all of us to die do you?!
10) Meeting my family and hugging them at the end of all this drama. Now this, I genuinely like.

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